Ever wished you could shatter Uwe Boll's jaw?

I know what you're thinking: "Have I ever!" I know I have. I know that every time I see that man's ugly smiling mug I just want to plant a solid punch square into his nose. I just want to lay into him like a sack of potatoes. Honestly, who doesn't want to put him in a wheelchair? The man is single-handedly destroying cinema. I'm almost positive than anyone with even a fleeting interest in the preservation of film and theater would enjoy kicking this guy in the crotch. Repeatedly.

Well, rejoice, crotch-kickers! Mr. Boll has invited five of his most passionate haters to face him in the boxing ring. Boll will read negative reviews of his films sent to a special email account. From them, Boll will pick the five most blatantly slanderous pieces and challenge their authors to a fist fight.

Don't believe me?

Rotten Tomatoes posted this press release earlier today. It details the competition, and the rules and regulations. Anyone interested (being an accredited critic is a plus, obviously) can take up Boll's offer for a chance to take a few swings at him (and maybe even KO the idiot ... he doesn't look so tough).

All I have to say is: good idea, Boll. In stead of refuting critics with an intelligent rebuttal in your signature broken English, you've opted to best them in a competition of physical strength. You're a real winner, Mr. Boll. That playground mentality of handling situations is really going to help your image.

I will, of course, be entering this competition. How could I not, really? The honor of saying that I tried, the feeling of accomplishment I get from essaying to take Boll out will be enough. And if I get accepted?

Well ... if I enter the ring with Uwe Boll, with the spawn of Satan himself, the punch I swing at him will be for you -- the faithful readers. It's all for you, readers!

Oh, and I can't wait to see Ebert take Boll down in the second round. Maybe Ebert will kill him like that guy in "Cinderella Man." We can only hope, right?